Talk:Operation:Choke Point
Grammar template dispute Allright, I am not going to pretend to be skilled at grammar or such. Give me the problems and the resolutions so we can get this wrapped up and out of the way. --Foxtrot12 22:48, June 17, 2011 (UTC) :I must concur with the author - if the user who tags the page does not list reason(s) on the talk page why the said page is NCF, the tagging does not stand and the author can remove the template (up until reasons are listed). Hope this clarifies. [[w:c:halofanon:User:SPARTAN-118|'SPARTAN-118']] (Talk) 04:11, June 18, 2011 (UTC) I thank you for your help towards establishing a resolution to this situation. Hopefully the template's poster will bestow a reason or cease to post the template altogether. Until then I will remove the template on your council. --Foxtrot12 04:15, June 18, 2011 (UTC) Looks like you have already done that for me --Foxtrot12 04:16, June 18, 2011 (UTC) TGC Dispute While I don't doubt grown men do occasionally possess pornographic magazines, I do doubt the fact that an officer, and a colonel at that would leave them out for all his subordinates to see. It's disrespectful and rude to just leave them out for all to see, especially if a the gender displayed in the mag is the same one as the subordinate viewing them. It's just wrong, man. :Exactly, it is wrong and disgraceful however it is a plot tool. I have tried to dwelve into my protagonist David-109's personality and how he so negatively views humanity and believes the war is doomed to fail. Prichard was the main driving force seen in the story to justify that point but a Colonel being so indecent just helps contribute to it. You think a real focused soldier wouldn't even have it at all but here is as you pointed out a Colonel, responsible for hundreds doing something like this. I believe personalities need justification and the presence of the magazines helps justify it. --Foxtrot12 16:25, June 19, 2011 (UTC) ::I can see and understand what you are doing, and don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading this well-written story, but in the military, I'm just not sure whether that would even be allowed. :/ :::What wouldn't be allowed, Porn? I am pretty sure while it is not exactly encouraged I do believe it is accepted and to say the least tolerated. I could easily be wrong as I am not an accepted member of any officially recognized military group so I can't really speak with certainty. However I believe such would be allowed, playboys were a common sight in Vietnam and pinups in WWII so I do believe it is allowed to say the most. Unless that is you were reffering to something else. Also I do thank you for the positive feedback.--Foxtrot12 03:42, June 20, 2011 (UTC) ::::You're welcome. Porn mags, I guess would be allowed for the subordinates, but I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around the officers doing it... I might do some research. ;) ::::Edit: Not that kind of research... :P There's nothing wrong with it. A stress relif from what I can tell, one my brother probably uses often because of the picture his girlfriend sent. Remember, it's a time of war, and people are going out to fight and possibly loose their lifes. An officer wouldn't encourage, most likely say nothing of the topic. Him or her doing themselves makes absolute sense.--BriNg iN DeR FLAmeS?! 07:51, June 20, 2011 (UTC) Also, good read, very good read. And I take it David has never fought a brute? Or does he hate their reckless attitude, and so he never mentioned them in his preach in the prolouge? I'm just very picky, I guess.--BriNg iN DeR FLAmeS?! 08:03, June 20, 2011 (UTC) The brutes were just overlooked to say the least. I would say that he would despise them for as you said their reckless attitude. Even though they fight well they don't fight for the right reason they are more like sadistic mercenaries than real soldiers and that would draw disrespect, but the main reason for their absence was an author overlooking things. --Foxtrot12 14:07, June 20, 2011 (UTC) Feedback and Criticism Thanks, with the above mentioned part on humor I am trying to keep it low down and not erotic and it has been toned down from what I intended due to fear of it going to far. However I like to keep it due to the character development it offers my characters, especially Preston. So I am kind of treading lightly with it, for reference what do you think would be going to far?--Foxtrot12 06:37, June 29, 2011 (UTC) Forgotten Heroes Foxtrot, this is an awesome story, and I admire your creativity! (although I'm only up to chapter 2) I have considered your request for Operation:Choke Point to be apart of the FH expanded universe. And while I am on the verge of saying "yes!", there are just a few things I think you'll need to fix for it to become a unanimous yes! First: While I don't doubt that marines, ODSTs, etc can be rude, provocative and flirtatious, etc, I seriously doubt a Spartan would be, and a squad of S-II's at that! I know that it's probably the effect you want, but the reality is that Spartans are the best for a reason, they are disciplined, patient and respect the chain of command and their fellow soldiers. The behaviour that Preston expressed towards Miranda is absolutely unacceptable and completely unrealistic. You must change this. You can have them dislike each other, but not outright go overboard. ;) Second: Theoretically, when Spartans camp, they would not have a need for sleeping bag. Because of their MJOLNIR, it is the perfect heating and cooling unit, so they would be quite comfortable in it and it eliminates the need for a sleeping bag of any kind. Also, it is unrealistic and careless if a Spartan goes for a bath in a river, naked, in enemy territory, knowing there is a good chance that she could be seen by Covenant or a perverted teammate. Also, take note that a TACMAP integrated in the MJOLNIR would basically eliminate the need for a map. Those are relatively minor inconsistencies and should be able to be fixed with ease. :) Third: on David-109's article it says he is part of the UNSC Marine Corps. If he is a SPARTAN-II as you claim, then he should be part of the UNSC Navy, not the Marine Corps OR Army. Unless, however, you change them to SPARTAN-III's (as they are both younger and part of the UNSC Army Corps), which I highly consider, it will not be canon friendly. Fourth: Also on David's article, it says he survived augmentation, along with his teammates. That's I think, 5+ Spartans than survived without being crippled. I would suggest making at least some of them being crippled for a few years before being conscripted into Project REDEMPTION (this is if you leave them as S-II's and change them into Navy). :P That about sums up all the inconsistencies I discovered after reading the first two chapters. Apart from those mistakes, your story is brilliant! With more help and advice, I believe you're going to be a very productive member of this site, community and Forgotten Heroes contributor! If the above problems are fixed, I can garantee that this article and yourself will be part of Forgotten Heroes! Sincere apologies in advance if this causes any trouble, good luck and happy editing! Cheers, bro! :D :Alright I think I can do this, with camping I believe that I can fix that easily assuming my computer holds out don't know about you but for the past week there has been a problem with wikia for me. Everytime I try to go to the recent activity or edit something I normally get a message stating internet explorer has stopped working and it reverts me back to the previous page, if I am editing I lose the work :(. So hope it holds out and I can get to that, with the major issue I assume it would mean the prolouge incident and the bathing scene (That would have worked so well in a movie version) tell me if there is anything else about the two and I can do it. I just scanned David and I believe I already took the marine corps reference so I believe he's navy unless I missed something in the article stating otherwise. I can run with this Project REDEMPTION, how about Cole and Robert being members? --Foxtrot12 13:52, July 26, 2011 (UTC) ::As for Internet Explorer, well, I used to have the same problem (that is if you have a relatively slow connection speed). I highly recommend using Firefox! It's free, faster and when you can't connect to a page on wikia, you can go back, and it will have all of your work still ready to be edited as if you never left it! :) Also, if any more problems persist, then I advise using Microsoft Word to write your story, then paste it on the wiki! ;) As for Project REDEMPTION, absolutely, that's fine! If you want, you can add the Spartans in and detail why they were crippled. :) I assume you are staying with S-II's and not S-III's? It's good that you like Prichards, because Prichards is just awesome like that and probably my favorite character in the story whose development is on par or above with David. I'm having a big debate with myself whether or not I should bring him back in the sequel I have planned and give him a few chapters all to himself. (I want the sequel to be huge by the way, 100,000 words is the goal Choke Point right now is in the 27,000 word range.) Back to more important matters on him I am just not sure, Prichards was concieved like much of this novel as a reference to two classic Vietnam war flicks, Platoon and Apocalypse Now, the death cards, playing music while riding into battle, and other things Prichards does were inspired by Kilgore from the latter. Other things like his sex drive and the rape scene which we sadly had to dispose of were references and tributes to Platoon. It was originally intended for him to be killed by an AA gun and the team to find his bird in the jungle, recognizing it by the pinup though after much mental debate he was selected to return in Jacobs' chapter where his personality as a swearing and violent drunk, addicted to sex, drugs, and gambling who had a penchant for raping subordinates and being an overall dick to his teammates (see striking a match on Chung's face as an example) became present. A bit later he won the Spartan-I award which I originally intended for Tajjar but changed. He eventually got a bit of a humor side where his two biggest inspirations now are probably Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean and Tuco from the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. So with that said, I don't really know where to go. I probably will change his record from rape to things of the like though he needs to keep some elements of sexual misconduct for the rogue humor part of him. Such as the two incidents he states when talking to Jacobs about impregnating a Mafia Don's daughter and having sex with a twelve year old who he claims said she was twenty-one. And seeing how I am veering off course by a matter of miles let me answer more precisely, I can make him a bit more charming and Jack Sparrowish, just remember at heart he's a murderous son of a bitch with a sort of humorous side which I will try to show a bit more. For the one girl I really should reword that, the story with her is that while Prichards can be sort of charming he is still prone to brutal behavior, the girl was threatened by him into having sex with him and while I won't get into detail let's just say the experience was rather rough and painful for her. (I'll try to clarify that). Away from Prichards whom I have spent the last ten minutes writing about, where exactly am I going into to much detail and in your earlier post where am I making "a mountain out of a molehill" if you could give me some recomendations on that it would be appreciated. I'm glad your liking the novel and I don't know about you but I am thinking more and more about nominating this in the annual awards, what do you think? --Foxtrot12 21:54, September 6, 2011 (UTC) :I think you should definitely nominate it for a reward, I love your style of writing, you have a very large vocab and a unique style of storytelling I haven't really seen before. As for the mountain out of a molehill, well basically, the drugs, sex, alcohol, porn and rape to be a little over the top. I thoroughly understand the themes that you are trying to display in the story, but there's just so many references of it that it seems a little unrealistic. You'll need to cut down on them a bit. I was also thinking that the Nazi helmet would need to go, I mean 500+ years from now, I'm almost positive racism would be quelled by that point. Also, seeming as a Pelican can fly at Mach 1, you might need to change from a 4 hour flight maybe to something a little more believable, like a 30 minute one, an hour at most. And do you think you could make that girl from 12 to be 16, because a 12 year old looks extremely different from a 21 year old. :P There seems to be a lot more to Prichards than meets the eyes, as it seems it becomes more evident throughout the novel. I understand that you want to load it with references, and I noticed a hellova lot of RvB references to, which is okay, but don't have too many. This is your story, and you need to develop it. I personally just find that if I just write, no matter whether my content is good, I begin to get somewhere. I'd backtrack and edit it later to make it sound better. Well, I'd heavily advise you should change Prichard from a rapist to a charming lady's man. I think it would fit in with everything, he would still have that sexual side, but instead of forcing it, it's more like he'd be using it. Almost like that stereotypical guy who always thinks every girl likes him and is able to get laid with anyone he wants without really forcing it. Do you think that could work? Also, I have another short story planned in the future. Not exactly a sequel to Halo: Victor, but it would tie in with it's events several months after it. If you would feel up to it, when we both have finished out respective stories, you like to help me co-write it? I'm titling it "Sacrifice". :P Alright, I will see what I can do. It may take a while as when you factor in curriculum, work, and family matters I don't have a load of time yet I expect to be done by October and go through a rewrite in November to revise certain parts, go for a spellcheck, and fix some issues that may take a little whiles such as the date which is kind of specified through Prichards yet I believe is contradicted through other statements made throughout the book, and do some more major fixes as the situation I am in now has three end points due to immediate attention to rewrites with the story cut off at the rescue (almost finished), Tajjar's flashback, and in chapter six. Now on that matter, with that timeline in place I am definately interested in co-authoring a novel. I got an idea for a plot and I assume you have the same, if your up for it then we can start hammering out the final plot whenever your ready and get to work sometime around December-February. Sound good?--Foxtrot12 01:10, September 7, 2011 (UTC) :Yes, I think that could work. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. I already have a very rough idea of what Sacrifice's story will be like. I'll need your e-mail for future communication about the storyline without revealing anything to the rest of the members of this site. :P :Also, if at all possible, try to get rid of any racist slurs like "Asia" and "Negro". I hate racism very much, it just would be better if the mentioned people were referred to their names or rank. :Cheers, Alright then, I'm game. My email is yusanistdc@gmail.com so if you could send me over your plot draft sometime tonight then I'll look over it and send you back mine sometime tomorrow afternoon and from there we can get to bussiness. I can work on removal of offending vocabulary and other things but it wil have to wait as I am gonna have to sign off for tonight and get some rest.--Foxtrot12 02:16, September 7, 2011 (UTC)